What’s Gak Got to Do With It?

Remember Gak?

If not, let me refresh your memory. Maybe with a picture?

Good. Good.

Now. Remember that distinct smell of Gak? The feel of it as you would squish it through your fingers? The smell would be left behind for hours, lingering still even after you’d washed your hands and applied some Love Spell lotion.

Well, that exact same feel and smell sensation can be yours again – with the EBP Medical 24K Gold (?) Collagen Crystal Neck Mask.

Confusing directions aside (use your deductive reasoning skills, and you’ll figure it out), we decided to give these a try.

Now, Alyssa and I have decidedly different sized necks. She is slender and long, I’m short and fat. If this were a movie, she’d be Arnold, and I’d be Danny Devito.

So. After not being able to apply as shown in the picture (as there were no pictures), we slapped that Gak on our neck skin.

Words cannot describe the feeling. It’s….. it’s so weird. It feels like you caught a couple slugs in your backyard and, instead of designing an intricate cage-match involving salt and time, you smeared them on your neck.


Nothing holds these on. I think maybe you’re supposed to be horizontal while you wear them, because otherwise they slowly slide down your neck, streaming their snail Gak juice behind them.

Instructions indicated to leave the masks on for between 30 minutes and TWELVE HOURS.

We made it 15. Minutes, not hours. We saw no results, but the smell and Gak snail jelly remained.

Okay, so can we really form an opinion based on one usage where we only made it halfway through the suggested time?


2/2 would not recommend.

Final grade: D-

Pros: intense nostalgia over Gak memories

Cons: literally everything else

It’s Made of What Now?

So in our last post, we got a little wine in our systems and bought some things on Amazon after reading some suggestions of beauty products the Facebook Algorithm (let’s call him Algie) thought we would be interested in.

Algie pointed Alyssa in the direction of a super duper $90 magnetic face mask. We were confused. A lot of research (4 whole minutes) went into figuring out how these things worked, and we decided to see if we could find a cheaper version on Amazon – which, of course, we could.

We settled on the AL’IVER Mineral Rich Magnetic Face Mask for $15.20

AL’IVER Magnetic Mask - Amazon

Holy shit, y’all. Spoiler alert: it’s worth the $15.20!

So we intended to shoot a video of this process, but we realized we were woefully unequipped for doing things like videos. We’re working on fixing that. But let’s get into it, shall we?

The mask comes packaged with a comically small spatula and a magnet for removal that resembles that piece you lost to your Sorry! game 17 years ago.

Oh – and a LOT of warnings about not getting the mask wet. Or anywhere near water. It tells you this so many times we were getting nervous about even being in the bathroom.

Anyway, here’s a glamour shot of the container:

Do not get wet

Since we were nervous about every aspect of this we decided to test a swatch on our hands.

We were blown away. We had to get this stuff on our faces.

Alyssa took one for the team and used the tiny spatula. I have a lot more face to cover, so I dug in with an applicator from an I Dew Care Mask. A little of this mask goes a long way. It spreads evenly and easily, cleanly removing itself from the applicator. This is a nice change from some masks that don’t seem to spread, and you end up using half the pot in one go.

A major benefit to this is that you only have to leave it on your face for 5 minutes. With the easy application, we were only into this mask for about 7 total minutes.

During the five minutes we realized cleaning the little that was left was as simple as running the tissue-covered magnet over the applicator.

Notes on the tissue cover – this is a strong magnet, and the bond between the mask and the removal magnet is no joke. You put the tissue over the magnet to easily remove the spent mask from the magnet – just make sure you pull up slowly so as to not tear the tissue. I had the best luck with some super strong toilet paper and slowly pushing the mask bundle off the side of the magnet.

Alexa let us know that it was time, so we went for it. The magnet removal tickles a little, but is by far the coolest and easiest mask removal I’ve ever experienced.

Look at that!!! It’s so freaking cool!

If you listen closely, you can even hear the crackle as it is attracted to the magnet.

Here’s the magnet after a half face removal:

Magnet mask blossom

Stupid cool.

As for the results? Here’s an up-close pic before and after of my super pore-ridden skin. It’s not like they’re all magically gone, but you can definitely see a difference in the prominence, clarity, and cleanliness of the pores. You can also see a slight improvement in the evenness of tone.

Final Grade: A+


  • Easy to use
  • Quick application to removal
  • Definitely shows improvement in skin
  • Really fucking cool


  • Apparently a Mogwai

Oh, Algie also pointed us in the direction of a collagen neck mask. I have no words to describe how awful it was, but we’ll get to that in the next post.

That’s all for now – just remember –


Credit: YouTube

Porch: A State of Mind


There’s something about a porch that encourages open mindedness and free discussion. And nothing encourages that open mindedness and free discussion quite like a cold beer or a glass of wine.

Unfortunately, we live in St. Louis, it’s February, and the porch is disintegrating slowly. So… The Porch has become the kitchen.

Sitting in the Porch(kitchen) this evening are Alyssa and Liz. We became friends through our husbands who went to school together. We live a block and a half from one another in the Dogtown Neighborhood of St. Louis, and we started getting together for what we eventually started to call Porch Wine™. We had a dream to open a wine bar in our neighborhood dedicated to our love of Porch Wine™ and all that came with it. Free discussion, ridiculous discussion, deep insight we will probably forget happened, unnecessary purchases, and popcorn. However, our practical husbands didn’t 100% support this idea, so here we are. With a blog. And a future miniseries… probably.

While our dreams my have died a horrible and fiery death at the hands of the patriarchy, we do still have some cold beer. Pictured above is Vape Tricks by Prairie Artisan Ales. Which I have just learned is NOT a year round beer, so please excuse me while I go buy all of it that I can find. Unless they want to just send me some, because I mentioned them just now and that’s how this works, right? I’m on the internet for free beer – I’m just going to start with honesty.

Oh, hey, it’s gone.

Up next!


We have moved on to Evil Twin Brewing‘s La Flama Blanca. It tastes awesome (but somehow different than normal, but I still love it.)

On to a couple topics:

Can I Speak with your Manager? – 23 And Me Edition

Alyssa: 23 and Me: I received by combination ancestry/health kit as a Christmas present from my parents, filled my tube with a ridiculous amount of spit, dropped it in the mail, and waited patiently for the results.  The typical processing time is 6-8 weeks and as I neared the 8 week mark, my sample was not progressing.  I’m not the type to pull the “can i speak with the manager?” card but I was very cordial and sent an email inquiring as to when I could expect my results.  The first response indicated that there was difficulty in extracting enough DNA from my sample so my current theory is that I may or may not be 100% human.  Apparently, my email was escalated and I received another response.  Credit to mothers and their haircuts everywhere, I was offered expedited processing and a free kit for a friend or family member!  I’m still holding on to the cyborg theory.  I’ll keep you readers posted. (I feel like i just wrote a work email – Liz, please humanize this before posting.)

Liz: Nope. I have yet to complete my 23 and Me kit as I am grossed out by the idea of spit, and I really wish there were another way. I’m hoping that I’m at least 10% Neanderthal, though, because I feel like that would explain a lot of hair growth issues that I have. Also, at this point, it’s all those Christmas people sending theirs in, so it’s just going to be delayed, and what if they can’t find DNA in my sample like Alyssa, and I’m left to decide to continue on my current path or possibly take up a life of crime since no one will ever know it’s me since I don’t have DNA… These are big questions that I’m just not ready for.

Alyssa: Yes.

Buying Things

There comes a time during every Porch Wine™ night where we inevitably start buying things. Discussions happen, Google happens, Amazon happens…

(Liz: This phenomenon is actually how I ended up with not one, but two 23 and Me kits (I thought there was some sort of special kit… there wasn’t it was just another kit)

We have just purchased facial masks. THEY’RE MAGNETIC WITH VOLCANIC MINERALS. And Korean. We could only read half the stuff on their website, which means it’s exotic and good. So… they must be awesome, right? They’ll be in this weekend, so we’ll give those a try. Also, ALL the comments are from verified purchases, and Amazon is our new God, so… #isgonnabeawesome #foreveryoung

Oh, we also bought a 24K gold neck mask that was $14.95 for 10, so I’m pretty sure that means I just got a really good deal and that the product isn’t complete shit.


Grimm Artisanal Ales Sumi Zest (This photo is ArTiStIc)

Alyssa: Grimm is my favorite beer… they just make really fucking good beer. Oh God that’s good…. GRIMM IS SO GOOOOOD. (Actual Quote)

Alyssa Popcorn Time

Instructions for Alyssa Popcorn:

1 Package Organic Oil Free, Salt Free Popcorn
1 Alyssa
1 Cabinet of random ingredients (oils, powders, etc.)

Cook popcorn according to directions on package. Give to Alyssa to zhuz up. Serve in big daddy bowl. Consume. It’s healthy.

Tangent Time!

Unnecessary List Edition

Cities We Hate (Sorry in Advance)

We live in Dogtown, we can get anywhere in 15 minutes, so there’s a theme here.

  • Phoenix, AZ (No grass and spread out)
  • Dallas, TX (45 minutes to get anywhere – too spread out)
  • Jacksonville, FL (Too spread out)
  • Chicago, IL … but we love chicago… but we haaate Chicago…. but it’s so awesome…
  • Columbus, OH (It’s in Ohio.)
  • Anywhere in Ohio (It’s in Ohio.)
  • Tulsa, OK (Tulsa’s pretty shitty)
  • Nashville, TN (Get over yourself)
  • Cedar Bluffs, AL (murder hotel)
  • Worcester, MA (nope.)

Cities We Love

  • St. Louis (Hometown Proud)
  • Philadelphia (A city that owns its passive-aggressive nature – Never change, Philly, and Fly, Eagles, Fly)
  • Portland, ME (Gorgeous and Awesome food scene – ~400 restaurants with a small population, breweries in walking distance from everywhere)
  • New York (Not so much the City itself as the surrounding Burroughs)
  • Southern California in General (Just… so pretty)
  • Northern California, specifically Redding because of this place called GrillaBites that may or may not still exist (it does not, unfortunately), but it was home to the best raw vegan tiramisu (don’t hate) ever in the history of the world oh my god it was so good i want some right now.
  • Damn, I think we really like California….
  • New Orleans (French. Cat. Butt. Plates.)
  • Chicago (I’M SO CONFUSED)
  • Louisville, KY (Beer! Culture! Hospitality!)
  • Austin, TX (Yes, us hipster women like places that are AWESOME.)
  • Las. Fucking. Vegas.
  • Murdo, SD (Liz: I got stuck there when a freak blizzard came through, and there is the BEST pizza place (Prairie Pizza) where the crust of the pizza is a cinnamon roll and it comes with dippin’ icing)
  • Madison, WI (Alyssa: I would say I love Madison – food, beer, friends…)

Now that we’ve likely pissed off one of our two readers (get over it, Chicago), it’s time to…

Close it Down


(less artistic… beer basically already gone)

HomeTown Proud! Finishing out the evening, we have the 4 Hands Brewing Company Preserved Lemon Gosé. As you can see by the picture, it’s gone.

Welp, that about wraps it up for our first post here. Let’s see if we checked off all the important blog points:

  • About
  • Pictures
  • Recipe
  • Anger Someone
  • Mention the Patriarchy

Yep, looks like we’re good to go!